HANOVER FRIENDS MEETING
2011

Hanover Friends Meeting in a Meeting for Worship with Attention to Business accepted the "...recommendation from Ministry and Counsel for the creation of a working party to focus on the meaning of marriage under the care of the Meeting, including the relationship between the meeting and the state." (April 2009, Minute 09-27) After studying the issues, the working party was asked to report to M&C and bring a proposal to engage the entire meeting community in dialogue about this subject.

The working group has engaged in this study and has revised the initial draft, and now, with the recommendation from Ministry and Counsel (April 3, 2011) bring forward to MfWfB the following:

a) history of HFM actions regarding marriage under the care of the meeting; b) the two previous approved minutes on marriage (19889 and 2008); c) the 2011 statement about the meaning of marriage under the care of the Meeting; d) queries to consider regarding this statement; and e) an outline of the contents of the packet the working group prepared (includes clearness process, preparation for the marriage, legal considerations, and bibliography); and f) queries for the Meeting to consider as part of the process for discerning the meaning and commitment of "care" in "under the care of the Meeting."

HFM HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE:

The working group explored some of the historical roots of marriage within the early Quaker communities. Friends Journal 2009 is devoted to "Marriage, Gender, and Relationships" and provided helpful and useful foundational information.

For many years, Hanover Friends Meeting had held that marriage under the care of the Meeting is a spiritual and legal process and we have served as the states agent in certifying the legality of the marriage. As stated earlier, the working group on marriage under the care of the Meeting is clear that marriage is first a spiritual/religious covenant.

The Meeting must discern whether marriage is under our care is solely a spiritual process or are we willing to continue to serve as legal agents of the state with regard to the state?.

Our history has been inconsistent in managing requests for marriage under the care of the Meeting. Upon reviewing this, it seems that each situation was considered separately on an individual basis.

*In some cases, we have refused to marry couples who do not want to procure a license and recently we have married a couple who did not want to procure a license
*We have married same sex couples under the care of the Meeting without a formal license
*We have declined to care for a marriage when neither of the individuals was attending a Meeting and where the couple was not living close enough for HFM to provide care
*We have cared for marriages for couples who have recently been involved and who have moved away
*We have provided marriage under the care of the Meeting for couples who were not members, were involved for awhile, asked to be married under the care of the Meeting, and discontinued coming after the wedding occurred

Are there other experiences to add to this perspective?

PREVIOUS MINUTES ON MARRIAGE: 1989 and 2008 Minutes:

In 1989 and in 2008 HFM minuted our support of committed, loving relationships, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation. These are noted below.

Hanover Friends Meeting affirms our support of committed, loving relationships. We also affirm our willingness, as a Meeting, to celebrate marriages for all couples, whether same sex or opposite sex. We intend to follow the same customary and careful process of arriving at clearness for any couple who wishes to unite under our care in accordance with our traditional procedures. As always, we intend to consider all requests of marriage with respect, care, and love. HFM 1989

A new draft minute on marriage regardless of gender identity was presented to Meeting for Worship for Business in January 2008 and approved as follows:

HFM reaffirms our commitment to celebrate marriages regardless of gender identity as minuted in 1989. HFM affirms our support of committed loving relationships. We affirm that marriage is a spiritual union and, as a Meeting, celebrate marriages for all couples. We follow the same customary and careful process of arriving at clearness for any couple who wishes to unite in marriage under our care in accordance with our traditional procedures. We consider all requests of marriage with respect, care, and love. Once a wedding is held under the care of our meeting, we proclaim and support that marriage joyfully.

PROPOSED STATEMENT ON THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE UNDER THE CARE OF THE MEETING:

THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE UNDER THE CARE OF THE MEETING
2011

Marriage under the care of the Meeting is a covenant that involves the couple, the Meeting, and God. Being grounded in the Spirit, this covenant, a sacred commitment, emerges through careful discernment of those involved. This spiritual discernment takes place through a rightly-ordered clearness process that is carried out under the care of the Meeting. Clearness Committees help couples discern the quality and thoroughness of their readiness for marriage.

We understand, as did early Friends, that the joining of two people in this covenant relationship "is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests', or magistrates; for it is God's ordinance and not man's. For we marry none; it is the Lord's work, and we are but witnesses." (George Fox, 1669). When two people solemnize this covenant they do so in the presence of God, family, and friends in a Meeting for Worship, and take each other as lifelong partners, promising with Divine assistance, to be faithful to each other.

We believe that marriage depends on the prayerful inward life of the couple's deep, abiding commitment to each other and to God, not on the outward forms of ecclesiastic blessing or legal contract. Our witness must uphold high standards in our covenant relationships: standards of love, fidelity, and discipline that bear witness to the presence of the Spirit among us rather than to the self-interest and immediate gratification of desires prized in our culture. Sexual relationships, especially, are too tender and powerful to be left to unspoken understandings.

Friends support clear, well-considered legal arrangements in domestic affairs. Clearness Committees for Marriage can, and should, inquire of couples as to what their legal arrangements will be. This process of clearness and discernment is valuable and necessary whether the couple is choosing to be legally married, or is choosing another legal format for their partnership. Couples should be well informed and diligent in their choices regarding their legal affairs and marriage.

QUERIES TO CONSIDER REGARDING THIS STATEMENT:

Given the history of our Meeting's response to couples seeking marriage under the care of the meeting and the recorded Minutes regarding marriage of same and opposite sex couples:
Does the statement on marriage under the care of the Meeting reflect the sense of the committee on this issue?
These definitions state that HFM is willing to provide clearness, oversight, and care for the spiritual aspects of marriage under the care of the meeting. In agreeing with this statement, do Friends recognize that a consequence is that we will not require couples to register with the State? Does this reflect the sense of our committee on this aspect of the issue?
As part of any clearness committee for marriage, the members must explore whether the individuals who are to be married are free from legal encumbrances. Is this consistent with our statement that we will care for the spiritual aspect of the marriage but will not require couples to be legally married? What about couples who wish to be legally married?

Marriage Packet Includes:

A. History of marriage among Friends: Marriage and Equality
B. Marriage Among Friends: Clearness Process
C. Planning and Carrying out the Meeting for Worship for Marriage
D. Queries for the Meeting: How do we provide the "care" in 'under the care of the Meeting"? (See attached queries)
E. Legal Considerations
F. Bibliography

FOR FURTHER CONSIDERATION BY THE MEETING:

MARRIAGE UNDER THE CARE OF THE MEETING--CARE THAT IS CURRENTLY PROVIDED TO MARRIAGES

Are there other ways that we provide care to marriages? Things that we should add or delete?

*process for clearness for marriage
*clearness committee committed to the couple through time
*Pastoral Care support if needed
*M&C support as needed

QUERIES FOR THE MEETING TO CONSIDER: MEANS TO CARE FOR MARRIAGES

When and how often should the Meeting consider these queries?

MEETINGS AND MARRIAGE
QUERIES FOR THE MEETING REGARDING THE MEETING'S COMMITMENT TO CARING FOR MARRINGES UNDER ITS CARE:

1. Does your Meeting provide opportunities to share the problems of living with others in a loving manner? Many people have found spiritually oriented creative listening groups, men's groups, women's groups, or couples' groups very helpful.
2. Does your Meeting have up-to-date books on family life, marriage, and sexuality? Does it have a resource file of counselors and therapists sympathetic to Friends' values who can be recommended to those requesting such help?
3. Is your meeting familiar with the laws relating to the marital relationship in your state and the extent to which they may discriminate against women? Are you familiar with laws governing marriage procedures under the care of the Meeting?
4. Has your Meeting recently discussed the responsibilities of committees on clearness and oversight for a marriage? What training and guidance do you offer to persons asked to serve on such committees?
5. Will a clearness committee work with a couple when it feels uncomfortable with any aspect of a planned marriage? If after careful consideration the committee cannot approve the marriage under the care of the Meeting, is it fully aware of its right to refuse oversight of a marriage, not because of doubts of the soundness of the proposed marriage or the appropriateness of the arrangements, but because of the pain it might cause another member of the Meeting?
6. Is the committee prepared to meet with the couple several times if necessary to achieve clearness? Are couples requesting marriage under the care of the Meeting aware that more than one meeting is usually necessary?
7. In the case of remarriage is the Meeting aware that it, as well as the individuals directly involved, may have to do some adjusting to the new family pattern? Does the Meeting realize that there may be quite a difference between readiness to adjust and that of the individual concerned? Is the clearness committee prepared to take this into account in their work with the couple? If the Meeting is still in a state of anger or grief over the ending of the former marriage or marriages, how can this be prevented from intruding on the help nad outreach a Meeting should give to any union under its care but which are often particularly needed in the case of remarriage? If the individuals concerned are still in a state of anger or grief over the ending of the former marriage(s), how can the committee prevent this from making the foundations of the new marriage unsound?
8. How do committees on clearness and /or oversight play a continuing role in the planning of the wedding?
9. How does your Meeting help couples understand the process of seeking the Divine guidance invoked in the marriage promise?
10. Does the couple understand the relationship of a marriage to the stability and depth of the whole community?
11. How does the Meeting encourage consideration of the concept of marriage; of what makes a marriage different from living together? Of what makes a marriage under the care of the Meeting different from a civil marriage?
12. Does your Meeting seek to understand those who choose to live singly? Who do not choose marriage? Who are exploring various kinds of living arrangements?

It is important that a Meeting make known to a couple that the wedding meeting is not the end of the Meeting's concern for the marriage. Communication can be maintained even if the couple does not live nearby.
A Meeting should distinguish in its policies between requests for marriage "under the care of the Meeting" and requests for a wedding in the manner of Friends but not under their care.

NURTURING MARRIAGE, FAMILIES, AND INDIVIDUALS:

The term marriage is used throughout these documents with acknowledgement of the limitations of this term. There is a wide range of relationships within the Meeting and all are worthy of recognition. Many of the Queries in this document for the Meeting may apply in other circumstances. We acknowledge that the process could be helpful as we attend to each other regardless of the stated relationship. These documents could easily be applied to other committed relationships.

Remembering that our community includes many singles, never married, divorced, and widowed members and attenders who also warrant nurturing, we propose the query for further consideration by the Meeting or a working group: How do we nurture those singles, divorced indivduals, and widow/widowers within the Meeting; those married under the are of the Meeting, other married couples in the Meeting, and the families of the Meeting? What is the Meeting community's responsibility? By marrying a couple under its care, the Meeting is making a commitment to nurture a couple long after they are married or joined under our care.

What does care and nurture mean?

Does the Meeting wish to establish another working group to consider this? Other means?